Man is the Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion—several of them(15). He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother’s path to happiness and heaven(16). He was at it in the time of the Caesars(17), he was at it in Mahomet’s time, he was at it in the time of the Inquisition, he was at it in France a couple of centuries, he was at it in England in Mary’s day, he has been at it ever since he first saw the light, he is at it today in Crete—he will be at it somewhere else tomorrow(18). The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out, in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste(19).
Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim(20). I think it is open to dispute(21). Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal. Note his history, as sketched above. It seems plain to me that whatever he is(22) he is not a reasoning animal. His record is the fantastic record of a maniac. I consider that the strongest count(23) against his intelligence is the fact that with that record back of him he blandly(24) sets himself up as the head animal of the lot: whereas by his own standards he is the bottom one.
In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which the other animals easily learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught a cat and a dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.
最低等的动物②
马克·吐温
人是信教的动物，又是唯一信教的动物。人也是唯一真正信教的动物——可惜为数不多。人还是唯一爱邻如己，在他的信仰出了问题时又会大义灭亲的动物。在带着十二分的真诚，为自己的兄弟铺平通向幸福天堂之路的时候，已经把地球变成了坟场。人类在罗马帝国时代就这么干来着，在穆罕默德时代也是这么干的，在宗教裁判所时代还是这么干的，在法国这么干了几个世纪，在英国玛丽女王时代也不例外，人类从第一次见到光明就一直这么干来着，今天在克利特他们还是这么干的——明天在别的什么地方还会这样干。高等动物没有宗教。而有人教导我们说它们来世必遭淘汰。我不知道为什么？这种感觉似乎值得怀疑。
人类是理性动物。他们是这样说的。我认为这也不是无可争议的。事实上，我的试验告诉我人类是没有理性的动物。看看上面勾画出的历史吧。在我看来很清楚的是，无论如何都不能说人类是理性动物。他的历史就是一个疯子的荒谬史。我认为反驳他的理智的最有力的证据就是，有了那些不光彩的记录，他还恬不知耻地把自己标榜为一切动物的灵长：然而根据他自己的标准他才是最低等的动物。
说句实话，人类真是愚蠢至极。其他动物一学就会的简单事情，他却学不会。我的一个试验是这样的。我花了一个小时教会了猫和狗做朋友。然后把它们放入一个笼子中。我又花了一个小时教会了它们跟兔子做朋友。在两天的时间里，狐狸、鹅、松鼠和几只鸽子依次加入到猫和狗的队伍中来，最后是一只猴子。它们在一起生活得很和睦，甚至很友爱。
注释：
15． several of them 翻译时加上“可惜”二字，以便使译文更连贯。
16．这句话翻译时有几点值得注意：首先，make a graveyard of the globe意为“把地球变成了坟场”；再者，in trying his honest best译成“带着十二分的真诚”以更好地体现原文的讽刺意味；最后，happiness and heaven不能译为“幸福和天堂”，而应译为“幸福的天堂”。
17． the Caesars 这里指从奥古斯都（Augustus）到哈德里安（Hadrian）时代的罗马帝国皇帝，并非指凯撒大帝一人，这里翻译为“罗马帝国时代”。
18． 这句话中值得注意的有两点：第一，“at it”的含义是“干个不停”，表示暴政一直不断；第二，由于个别句式的原因，原文中的排比句没有直译过来，所以在翻译时注意增加了表示递进关系的词汇。另外，“从人类第一次见到光明”运用了《圣经》中的典故。
19． taste 一词较为难译，从上下文看应为“感觉”的意思。
20． claim 意为“主张”，这里整句意译为“他们就是这么说的。”
21． open to dispute 注意这里采用了正话反说的翻译方法，译为双重否定的“不是无可争议的”。
22． whatever he is 译为“不管怎么定义他们。”
23． count 这里的本义是“罪状”，译文中采用了意译的方法。
24． blandly 有“满不在乎、泰然自若地”含义，这里意译为“恬不知耻地”。
