Theater Manager: Madam, you may not take dog into the theater. I'm sorry it is not permitted.
Woman: That's ridiculous! What harm could the movies do to a little dog like this?  
有害的电影
剧院经理：夫人，您不能把狗带进剧院。很抱歉这是不允许的。

Teacher: We all know that heat causes an object to expand and
cold causes it to contract. Now, can anyone give me a good example?
John: Well, in the summer the days are long, and in the winter the days are short.  
一个好例子

Mum: Why are you crying?
Tommy: I cleaned the bird cage and the canary disappeared.
Mum: How did you clean it?
Tommy: With a vacuum cleaner, Mum.  
他为什么哭？
妈妈：你为什么哭啊？
汤米：我刚才打扫鸟笼来着，金丝雀不见了。
妈妈：你怎么打扫的鸟笼？

After the barber had cut, nicked and gashed him, the customer
asked for a glass of water. The barber said, " What's the matter---do you feel faint?"
"No, "said the customer, " I just want to see if my mouth still holds water."

In a cinema, a lady turned round and said to the giggling schoolgirls behind her: "Do you mind, I'm trying to watch the film."
"In that case," said one of them, "you're facing the wrong way."
你看错方向了
剧院里，一位女士回头对后面正在说笑的一群女

Doctor: How many ears and eyes does a cat have?
Patient: Two of each.
Doctor: And how many legs does it have?
Patient: Say, Doctor, haven't you ever seen a cat?
医生和病人
医生：一只猫有几个耳朵和眼睛？
病人：都是两个。
医生：那么它有几条腿呢？

Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.
重大事件
老师：1809年发生

New Husband: Did you sew the button on my shirt, darling?
New Wife: No, dear. I couldn't find the button, so I just sewed
up the buttonhole.
只缝上了扣眼儿
新婚丈夫：你给我把扣子缝好了吗，亲爱的？
新婚妻子：没有，亲爱的。我找不到扣子，所以我只把扣眼儿给缝上了。

A father said to his sons: "Tomorrow your mother is going to bake a pie.
Who is going to eat it?"
The oldest son replied: "Father, I'll eat it all!"
The father then said: "Tomorrow I'm going to butcher a pig. Who is going to eat it?"
The sa

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go　home and get the umbrella."
The little turtle replied, "I will, if you don't drink my offee."
"W

Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five
dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so l

Mr. Brown arrived for work an hour late. His clothes were torn and tattered. He was banged and bruised, and he had one arm in a sling. His boss was purple with rage.
"It's ten o'clock," screamed the boss, "you were supposed to be here　at nine. What happened?"

Whose 50 Cents
Jacky: I found 50 cents on the sidewalk in front of school.
Tommy: I think it's mine. I dropped 50 cents there today and  couldn't find it.
Jacky: But what I found was two quarters.
Tommy: Then I'm sure it's min

A Strange Telephone Call
A Chicago family was having dinner when the phone rung. The maid
answered and said, "It sure is!" and hung up. The same thing happened five minutes later.
" What's going on?" asked the father.
　　　"Some crackpot,

　 　　　　　Apples and Oranges
Big brother: All right, I'll help you with your homework. Now, if you had five apples and I took one away, how many would
you have?
Little sister: I don't know. In my class we do arithmetic with oranges.