Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you

　　-- Well, bring me the winner then.
　　-- 服务员，
　　这个龙虾只有一只爪。
　　-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
　　-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。

and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"
一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？”

splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to
the bank?"
　　A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
　   小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，
突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎

　　He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly
fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor
lives downstairs."
　　 “医生”

we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result."
　　Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we
can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

light?"
　　"Yah, i did, but i didn't see you."
　　一辆汽车闯了红灯，交警对着车大喊。
车停下后交警对司机说：“你没看见红灯吗？”
“我看见了，但我没看见你。”

woman who loves you the  most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
　　My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
　　一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，
　　回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
　　我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”

the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"
　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
　　一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然
后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
　　“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
　　“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不

see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?" "The hole,"
replied Peter. 　
一天，老师问彼得："4减4等于几？"彼得张口结舌答不上来。 老师生气地说："真笨！你想，我要是往你口袋里放四个硬
币，而你的口袋上有个窟窿，硬币全漏掉了，那么，你衣袋里还剩下什么？" 窟窿，"彼得答道。

splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to
the bank?"
　　A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
　   小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，
突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎

　　 ---You can catch a fish at any age.
---You can keep fish live well until you′re ready for them.
---If you′re not in the mood for fish,you can have beef.
---You can use the same old line every time to catch a fish.

　　 "Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse (诡计）to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?"
"Wear an old dress."

Pig or Witch
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a

　　“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”
　　服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做！”
　　年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜？你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子？”
　　服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷！”
Grandson
　　A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:
　　"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."
　　Not like the way he talk